Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
