I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
