I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
