turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
