I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
