I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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