There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
