Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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