What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
