remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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