FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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