I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
