I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
