im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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