paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
