so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
