You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
