dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
