my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
True strength comes from lack of pants
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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