I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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