I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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