Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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