from now on my penis is your penis
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
