Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
