I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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