ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
