So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
