Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
And then he peed in my hair
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