we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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