She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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