Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
