Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he thought i was a dude.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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