dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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