I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
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