1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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