I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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