you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
