Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
