I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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