when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
