I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
