Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
