Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
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