The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We're too hungover to prance.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
