Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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