My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
