If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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