I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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