two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
