glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
