Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
