Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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