So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
