Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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