every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
