if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize