if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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