I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
