If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
