Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize