i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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