Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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