there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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