You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
