You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
